


Ease My Mind

by Cssty



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fuhrer Roy Mustang, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25057255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cssty/pseuds/Cssty
Summary: No matter what she does, Riza cannot escape the memory of the homunculi. She tells herself she has to be strong and ignore it. Sometimes it's not that easy.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Ease My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic on impulse in September, probably when I binged Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood again. FMA:B is one of my favorites and Royai was one of my first ever ships so naturally I wanted to write a fic with them! I'm super excited that I was able to finish it so I can post it for y'all. Riza is a strong independent woman but listen y'all she needs some love sometimes too. Enjoy this !! Yes I know I have unfinished longer projects but shhh I just wanted to finish this in the meantime

Everywhere she went, Riza could still feel Pride's eyes on her. It had been years since the Amestrus incident and even though the homunculus was gone it always felt like someone was watching her every movement even when she was doing a simple task like grocery shopping. The paranoia was eating at her so much that some days leaving the house was not an option; on those days, Black Hayate was the only one that was allowed to be by her side. If it weren't for that dog she wouldn't be able to sleep at night The darkness only served as a reminder of the shadow with multiple eyes, watching every subtle movement she would make. Riza was sick of being afraid, but that's all it seemed like she could be.

Even though the terror was all that she could feel some days, Riza was good at burying it deep down. In a way, she had to be. She had no time for emotions as the Fuhrer's personal assistant, someone needed to keep Roy Mustang in line. Though he was doing a good job of keeping everything in line, his carefree personality still leaked through at times. Though it could be a bit annoying it could be a bit refreshing; it made the façade Riza was putting up that much easier to maintain. It was never really hard for her to roll her eyes at one of his comments or failed jokes. Just act normal, like nothing else is wrong. That was always her one goal, one that Riza always succeeded in no matter what.

No one seemed to catch on. Not even Roy Mustang. Considering their long history together it was a bit surprising, if anyone would be able to see anything was wrong it would be him. He's saved her more times than Riza could count; perhaps he could save her from herself. Not like she would ever be able to know, it's not like she could admit that something that is years dead has come back to haunt her; especially not to Roy. She didn't want to seem weak or terrified in his eyes. The Fuhrer's assistant needed to be strong, level headed, so that's what Riza decided she needed to be.

This specific day was a late night at the office. Everyone else was dismissed, only the Fuhrer and Riza were there. She had gotten dismissed not too long ago and was not long past the building in central when she felt the familiar feeling creeping up on her. All Riza could do at that moment was freeze in terror, she could no longer move her body. Her hand clasped her gun; not like she could take it out anyways. No matter how much she willed her body there was no response. Just the familiar fear, that she had felt many times before. No matter how many times it came across her there was no way she would get used to it.

"Lieutenant?" The sudden voice came from behind her causing a rush of adrenaline. Triggering her need to fight back; she immediately drew her gun. "Woah, I don't know what I did, but I don't think I deserve to be shot for it."

Even though she knew it was Mustang, Riza couldn't put down her gun. Not even his joking tone relaxed her. If the homunculi weren't gone she wouldn't even trust that it was him; she witnessed how Envy could slip in between disguises, and it's not the first time they used Roy against Riza. It's like whatever happens in her life the homunculi haunt her memory, every terrible thing building up until she can barely function. Now here she was, aiming her gun at the one person in this world that has never left her side, the one who she could always trust no matter what situation she had been in. Just because the paranoia was too much; just because she can't seem to let go.

What a messed-up world this was.

"Are you okay?" Mustang spoke again, taking a careful step forward. He looked afraid that Riza would shoot, but he was approaching her anyways; if there wasn't an understanding between them that would be a death sentence but he knew she wouldn't shoot even though her hand was basically frozen on the trigger. "Lieutenant, what's wrong?"

Roy got close enough grab her by the hand and gently bring it down while Riza allowed herself to relax, avoiding eye contact with the other in front of her. "It's nothing, sir." she responded, placing the gun back into its holster.

"Well if that was nothing, I'd like to know what something would look like."

"This is no times for jokes, sir." She scoffed, turning around sharply so she wasn't face to face with him anymore. She knew that in an instant, he would be able to read her face; how Riza was absolutely terrified but was trying so hard to hide it. He was no homunculus; he was Roy Mustang. Her partner. Her friend. "Now good day. You've got a busy day ahead of you tomorrow."

"At least let me walk you home."

"There's no need for that sir -"

"I want to." He cut her off.

Riza gave in. "Fine. Just make sure you keep up."

For a majority of the time they walked in silence. Occasionally Roy made a witty comment which was so typical of him for Riza to just shut it down. As much as she didn't really want him to walk home with her, the company was nice compared to all other nights spent walking alone. Mustang might be trailing behind but she could still feel the glances he was taking at her from the back. Was he checking her out or just making sure she was okay? Hawkeye hoped it was the second option, but she wasn't so sure. Though he was the leader of all the country he was still immature in their times alone. It's not that bad, however. Sometimes the days in the office can be physically and emotionally exhausting, you need a bit of a softer edge occasionally. Riza had always admired his carefree personality, that possibly is why he has the ability to be so level headed.

Once she got to the door, Riza reached out before freezing. There were whispers in her mind which were all telling her the same thing. That she would open the door and see those haunting eyes of Pride surrounding her in all angles. It didn't help that her house was pitch black, it made all the possibilities possible. So she just stood there frozen at the door. At times like these she totally hated herself. So paranoid. So weak. Nothing at all like her usual self.

"Is everything okay, lieutenant?" For a moment she forgot she wasn't alone. There was someone else here, someone that she trusted. So why does she feel so damn scared?

"Yes. Everything is fine. You can go now, sir." Riza responded. She could feel her voice wavering. At this point if he thought she wasn't lying it would be fantastic but the reality of the situation is that it made it more obvious than ever.

With a sigh, she unlocked the door stepping in. Roy stayed stationary at her doorstep, an inquisitive look on his face. "Sir what are you –" She started, before cutting herself off. Maybe she could use some company. It didn't seem like he was planning on moving anytime soon. "Would you like to come in?"

"Oh? I never thought you would be so bold."

"Be serious, sir."

Rolling her eyes, Riza moved to close the door shut ready to close it and lock herself away completely. It was just when she started to push the door forward that he quickly stuck his foot in front of the door. "I would love to be in your company, if you'd have me." With that, she welcomed him into her house. It's not like he was going to stay long, right?

Mustang certainly ended up making himself at home. There he sat, sprawling across the couch. Riza had to admit, when she invited him in this was not what she expected. The first part of the night they talked business; there wasn't nearly enough time for them to in the office so they often got caught up after hours. Sometimes that even included late night talks on the phone which Riza didn't mind because it kept her mind off of the empty house and how someone could be present, always watching and listening to her every move. Black Hayate also joined the two of them, curling up beside Mustang as he pat the dog's head.

Having company should certainly take away the paranoia in her mind, but it only did so much to take it away. She was trying not to glance around as logic was telling her there was no one there but it was like an itch that was constantly there. Whispers would always be in her mind that someone was present, and they may never fade over time. This may always be a part of her and Riza just had to give in. She was no longer the same person she was years ago; before she ever laid sight on a gun, before the trauma of the Ishvalan war. Before the Homunculi showed themselves in Amestrus. She doesn't even know what was happening in her brain but it caused her to crumble so she ended up helpless on the floor.

"What's wrong?" Roy's voice was urgent, close, panicked. If anything she didn't mean for this to happen when he was around, it would just cause more trouble in the long run. But here she was crumpled up and clenching her eyelids shut so hard it was painful. But she was afraid of what she would see if she opened her eyes, so she had no choice but to keep them shut. "Lieutenant- Riza!" She had never heard him call so desperately; at least he knew something was very, very wrong.

They stayed there in the same position. Riza thought the world was frozen and that they would never live to see another day. Another terrifying thought, one that she most definitely didn't need. If it weren't for Roy's voice she would actually believe that time was frozen and she was trapped in eternity forever. As long as he kept whispering, maybe, just maybe, she could keep herself from becoming insane.

All of a sudden, he stopped talking. Panic arose in her brain once again the moment the silence took over. She thought everything was over, but then she heard him whisper: "Do you want to dance?"

"It's not the time, sir." She grumbled, clearly agitated by his sudden suggestion. Why would she want to dance at a time like this? This is exactly a Roy Mustang thing to do – joke around; this was exactly the wrong moment.

"What do you mean it's not the time? It's exactly the time." He mentioned softly, pulling her off of the floor. Riza rolled her eyes but let him. She knew that when Roy Mustang got an idea he would not let it go until things were in his favor. So she just let it go, allowing him to hold her close.

There was something different about Roy. Yes, he did whatever he wanted at the current moment and yes he still said things in an annoyingly joking manner, but there was something about how gentle he was being as he pulled her close. They swayed to a silent tune, and although Riza would hate to admit it out loud it was exactly the right time, and dancing distracted her mind from the paranoia of someone silently watching. There was no Pride, just her and Roy, who always happened to know the right thing to do; when leading the country, or when he just has to be there for a friend. At moments of weakness she wouldn't want anyone to be here, but Riza was glad that it was Roy.

As they gently rocked back and forth Riza moved in closer, leaning her head onto his chest and closing her eyes. This was the first time in a long time that she felt any sort of comfort and peace. It's like she was suddenly grounded to reality again, and it was all thanks to Roy Mustang. Who would have thought. He just brought a sense of calm that Riza couldn't quite explain. The two had been through so much together, and some of the things she wondered if any two people would even be able to come out of the situation sane and alive. Yet here they were, living to survive another day; slow dancing to a silent tune, staying together for who knows how many minutes, basking in the company of each other.

Riza did not wanting to separate from the warmth of Roy against her. Even though it was peaceful, there was something about the moment that was rubbing her the wrong way. Since when did she feel so comfortable with him next to her? It felt like her trust in him was on a completely different level than before. She couldn't let herself get like this, she didn't want to submit to a life where it felt like she was entirely dependent on a man. Pushing herself away, she gave him a smile. "Thank you for keeping me company, sir. I... I really appreciate it."

"Of course." Roy responded, his tone gentle. But after a moment of silence and him seeming to read Riza's face he added, "But are you sure there's not anything wrong? I'm worried about the way you've been acting."

"I still have nightmares about Pride." Riza sighed, finally admitting to herself that there was something very, very wrong at the current moment. "Or... Not just nightmares. It's like I can feel him watching me practically every day, whatever I do. It's been happening ever since we've become safe. I thought it would go away over time but... it hasn't. Not even a little bit."

Roy looked cross, but just shook his head. "You should have told me -"

"I can deal with it myself sir -"

"Oh drop the act." This was so unlike his usual care free attitude that it shocked Hawkeye as she carefully watched him shift his weight and cross his arms. Before he spoke up again, she thought that it was possible that he would just continue to look at her with disappointment in his eyes without saying any other words. "It's human to be scared, it's human to be afraid, and it's human to need help. I need you to be strong, Lieutenant, but I also need you to be sane. What you're doing now it's going to ruin you." Uncrossing his arms, he reached out, gently taking her hands. "I need you. Please, trust me a little."

Riza doesn't know what prompted he body to lunge forward, but she does know that there was just something about how earnest Roy was being that made her want to hold him close. She did trust him, it was silly that she thought she couldn't tell him about Pride. They went through everything together after all, and if anyone he would probably understand the paranoia and the uneasiness the most. Letting out a small apology she buried her face in the crook of his neck. The room felt warmer than it typically did, but maybe it was because their bodies were pressed together. Or maybe it was the reason that her face was beet red.

"You know, you're not the only one." When Mustang spoke again, he sounded defeated, tired even. "Some days before I open my eyes, I feel like I've reverted back to being blind. It takes a while for it to register that all I have to do is open my eyes. I never know what to do, it's just so terrifying. Then the paranoia that someone is always behind my back trying to get to me involved in some twisted plan like the homunculi, not to mention trying to harm my subordinates. Everything may be calm but... I can't shake any of the thoughts, and I can't bear the thought of them harming anyone close to me again." Throughout his tone he let out a chuckle. "I'm sorry, I must seem like such a hypocrite. Here I am telling you to trust me more yet here I am, keeping all of this to myself."

"It's okay." Riza whispered in return. "It'll all be okay."

Nothing in life is easy, whether it be trusting another person or letting someone know when you need help, but today the two of them stood together in an embrace, reminding each other that there was a reason that the both of them stood by each other's side. There was no one else that Riza would rather walk this life with other than Roy Mustang, and it could be assumed that he indeed felt the same. She doesn't know why she forgot that in the first place. She wasn't alone with this, she was never alone to begin with. Roy lived in the same nightmare she did, and they survived it despite everything that was thrown at them. Riza honestly wouldn't know what would have happened if there wasn't another person going through the same thing. They probably would have landed themselves in a mental asylum.

When she leaned further into him, Roy gave a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "It'll all be okay." He reaffirmed, and at that moment, Riza could believe those words that came out of his mouth.


End file.
